It's been several years since the first day it all started. Rumors circled around campus and everyone seemed to know all about it. I didn't. I was late. I didn't really care, either. I held out and continued my romance somewhere else.
Then I grew up. I, too, wanted to have my own love affair. I wanted what everyone else had and I was determined to figure out how it all worked. That was 2008 and that was the year that I joined Facebook.
I was hooked. I posted. I took pictures. I "liked" like a liking fiend. I commented and I replied. I enjoyed it. It was fun. (Keeping the language simple today). One thing I never took part in was the whole "poking" thing. To this day I don't understand that, but whatever. Any who, I enjoyed Facebook like the next person.
Until, one day...a few weeks ago...something happened. I can't tell you the exact moment, but there was a very clear and defining moment that made me realize that Facebook was no longer fun. I resented it. I was growing angry. The things that I loved...seeing families, seeing friends create their own families, watching people graduate, take vacations etc...it was all just brutal...ugly, dark, hurtful and just plan old brutal. I realized that it wasn't Facebook that had changed. It was me. I had changed. Somewhere in the valleys and roads travelled, I got lost. Me. Dee. The happy, loving, funny, snarky, positive girl was lost in a cloud of darkness. Sure there were days of sunshine, but overall, it was dark. I realized that the things that I was going through in my personal life were clouding the joy and love that I felt for so many people. I didn't like it. In fact, I hated it. I hated the crinkle in my eyes. I hated my perched up lips. I hated the heaviness in my heart. Everyone was so happy and I just couldn't be happy with them, for them or on my own. Trust me, it hurts to say that.
So, we broke up.
After thinking about all of this and realizing that I was becoming too biter for my own liking, I decided to take one last look at all the lovely photos and say good bye. I was surprised at how easy and comfortable it felt. Well, that is until people started commenting on my "Good-Bye" post. I felt so much love from friends and acquaintances. People acknowledging that, at some point, one of my many post had some affect on them. That was nice. It made me smile. In that moment I took it as strength and smiled back. I was grateful that someone found something that I said to be enjoyable. Lovely. Truly, lovely.
So now starts the days of being without the social connection that I once depended on. Now I will have to make the effort to connect with the people that I love...and hopefully make new and long lasting connections. I will also have time to be in the moment and recreate the joy that my life once felt. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot to be happy about...my family, my wonderful husband, friends, my life, my future, love...deep and unconditional love. I am blessed to have that and I realize that despite my personal judgements, I am in a good place. I am grateful that my spirit is strong enough to recognize when the heart needs a break. I am grateful. And with that, I am blessed.
Then I grew up. I, too, wanted to have my own love affair. I wanted what everyone else had and I was determined to figure out how it all worked. That was 2008 and that was the year that I joined Facebook.
I was hooked. I posted. I took pictures. I "liked" like a liking fiend. I commented and I replied. I enjoyed it. It was fun. (Keeping the language simple today). One thing I never took part in was the whole "poking" thing. To this day I don't understand that, but whatever. Any who, I enjoyed Facebook like the next person.
Until, one day...a few weeks ago...something happened. I can't tell you the exact moment, but there was a very clear and defining moment that made me realize that Facebook was no longer fun. I resented it. I was growing angry. The things that I loved...seeing families, seeing friends create their own families, watching people graduate, take vacations etc...it was all just brutal...ugly, dark, hurtful and just plan old brutal. I realized that it wasn't Facebook that had changed. It was me. I had changed. Somewhere in the valleys and roads travelled, I got lost. Me. Dee. The happy, loving, funny, snarky, positive girl was lost in a cloud of darkness. Sure there were days of sunshine, but overall, it was dark. I realized that the things that I was going through in my personal life were clouding the joy and love that I felt for so many people. I didn't like it. In fact, I hated it. I hated the crinkle in my eyes. I hated my perched up lips. I hated the heaviness in my heart. Everyone was so happy and I just couldn't be happy with them, for them or on my own. Trust me, it hurts to say that.
So, we broke up.
After thinking about all of this and realizing that I was becoming too biter for my own liking, I decided to take one last look at all the lovely photos and say good bye. I was surprised at how easy and comfortable it felt. Well, that is until people started commenting on my "Good-Bye" post. I felt so much love from friends and acquaintances. People acknowledging that, at some point, one of my many post had some affect on them. That was nice. It made me smile. In that moment I took it as strength and smiled back. I was grateful that someone found something that I said to be enjoyable. Lovely. Truly, lovely.
So now starts the days of being without the social connection that I once depended on. Now I will have to make the effort to connect with the people that I love...and hopefully make new and long lasting connections. I will also have time to be in the moment and recreate the joy that my life once felt. Don't get me wrong, I have a lot to be happy about...my family, my wonderful husband, friends, my life, my future, love...deep and unconditional love. I am blessed to have that and I realize that despite my personal judgements, I am in a good place. I am grateful that my spirit is strong enough to recognize when the heart needs a break. I am grateful. And with that, I am blessed.
For now, I will be living in the moment. I will take this time to appreciate what is going on. I will find that happy girl and I will make sure that she never gets lost again. Maybe staple her name and return address on her forehead...you know in case she decides to skip town again.
I am going to make it a point to find something wonderful about each and every day. I suppose that's what most people do when they end a long term relationship right?
No comments:
Post a Comment