Disclaimer: This is a post that I made last January (2013) and posted on my previous blog. The story was entertaining, so I thought I would relive it and share it in this new space. Enjoy!!!
Have you ever broke out in a complete sweat, and been on the verge of a breakdown with a heart attack looming in the background? No? Well, let me bring you into my world.
I am the type of person that is usually "down for the cause." I am willing to try anything once and I will not be the one to ruin the fun for everyone else. I do, however, try to avoid things that will require an insurance deductible, will cause permanent body disfigurement(key word is disfigurement), or cause death or stoning. I like my life and I am thankful for every moment that I am allowed to relish in its awesomeness. I don't feel the need to play Russia Roulette with my life...I can't even play poker.
With that disclaimer out of the way, let me get to my nervous breakdown. My best friend is slowly approaching her *beep* (I can't tell you the year because she will kill me) birthday. Being the friend that I am, I asked her what she wanted to do for her birthday. She responded with this "great idea..." board a plane, strap on a parachute, jump out of the plane and land on the ground...in one piece. Yes, diving out of the sky toward the solid ground with just a parachute to "save" us. What the hell kind of tomfoolery is that? Sounds like it breaks several rules for life preservation.
Conveniently, she found a group coupon deal that offered this life altering, sky crashing event at a discounted price. My husband, who is just as ridiculous as my friend, was all for it. They were both ready to purchase. I, however, was not. I broke out in a complete sweat. When I say "complete sweat" I mean EVERY membrane that has a sweat gland was pouring. I was in a state of shock. I could not determine if I wanted to cut the ish out of them, demand that my mom cuddle me and make this nightmare go away or pack my ish up and leave...permanently. All I knew is that the thought of purchasing the tickets was just too much...mind you my brain was too clogged to even process the actual a skydive.
I decided to take a few days to clear my head, remove the thoughts of violence and try to get excited about this ridiculousness. I stumbled across some sites that explained that the "free fall" portion of the jump will only last 40seconds. Ive cussed someone out for longer than 40seconds. With my new found info, I could not wait to tell my bestie about my revelation. Then, this heffa has the nerve to completely splatter my happy bubble by telling me that she found out that the free fall is only 40 seconds, but then the parachute opens and you float in the air for about 5 minutes before you actual land. O_o what in the hell is she talking about? What 5 minutes of float time is she talking about? The site said 40 seconds of free fall and then you are on the ....whoa. Is she telling me that this sky falling crap is broken up into free fall and floating? Ohhh hell naw (yes, naw). At this point I am in a full on fit of contradictions. I am fitting a giggle seizure, two seconds away from the ugly snot face cry, sweating like the butt crack of an olympic runner, and trying to breath...with emphysema. My brain has completely shut down and all I can think of is swirling above the ground like a defective pendulum.
(I wish I could insert a sound feature that will say a bunch of F bombs)
Would you believe me if I said that buried underneath the layers of "what the hell," next door to the "oh hell naw," and two degrees away from the "fuck this bullshit" metro is a tiny, 5second rule twinge of excitement? Let me clarify. That excitement, similar in diameter to a human skin cell, is looking forward to the view from 15k feet in the air. It will truly be an experience. I will be sure to fill you in on the amount of vomit that was spewed and how many bottle of vodka I needed to get on the plane.
Have you been skydiving? Did you live to tell about it...oh wait.
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